Oh Anexa, Why?
Updated: Oct 4, 2020
Oh Anexa, why do you live within me and not beside me? You creep onto me in moments where I need the most courage to believe in myself. I feel my pulse rise, break out in sweats and hear an awful lot of ‘what if’ playing back to every thought that crosses my mind in that moment. You are so callous, you’re supposed to protect me not fret me, why push me to the brink of losing all hope in myself? You create a war within my mind that undermines all the effort I’ve put in to deal with my daily thoughts of uncertainty. When you know life will always remain uncertain, why make me fear it to the point that I question even the certain things in life? Oh Anexa, you have been my best friend all these years, protected me when I needed to stand up for myself and while taking instinct-based decisions. But you ought to outgrow your compulsive habits. You are so disgusting, you make me feel minuscule in the light of the world around me. My confidence takes a hit as you grow bigger and create grotesque hypothetical scenarios in my mind, growing even more powerful than me. I know my weaknesses and I am aware of those but you come at me with the deepest darkest fears of a past that I thought I had let go off already and make me wish I could just end my misery instead of battling it further.
You have a mind that loves me but deep down you detest my abilities to live freely. You live within me and all you wish is that you could steal those few moments of calmness I manage to find in this awful world. Your life is an illusion, it only reflects the coming, and the scenarios you create and conquer apparently. Nothing of what you believe is real, it is just a mere reflection of your inability to accept yourself for who you are. Your mind is filled with pessimism that only breeds more of its kind.
Anexa, I have confided in you with the real me, my trauma and all my limiting beliefs and you know better than anyone how thick my artificial skin has grown yet you are able to cut through. I must survive in this world, that’s why you are here in the first place, how dare you turn against me when all I genuinely need is love and grounding?
The start of the downward spiral is a journey I would not wish upon anyone. One thought after another. Uncertainty, confusion and many heightened physiological effects leave me hazed. The beautiful sky which I once looked up to for inspiration creeps up on me and I feel cooped in a world where all purpose is lost. The smell of the food that once made me salivate now fills my throat with the most putrid feelings leading to suffocation. I try to breathe deeply to calm down but you take away that right from me too by enhancing the sound of my pulse echoing in the cortex of my brain. I wish to cry at this moment but you remind me in that moment, that letting go of this is not something you will ever permit me of. Choked up, breathless and desperate for heart-soothing assurance. Oh Anexa, you need to stop and let me be.
Oh Anexa, you think you’re all that but the truth is you always end up losing. Out of the countless times you have belittled me, made me worry incessantly and pushed me to give up, I won every single time. I have a power much greater than you. You are mindless whereas I have acquired mindfulness. You are just an accumulation of abstract thought whereas I have a soul and a subconscious that knows my true capabilities. You are the unknowing future and forgotten past, but I am purely present. You are irrational, whereas I am pure potentiality. You choose to control me but I choose to let the universe guide me in its own way and let life flow through me. All those times when you thought I couldn’t, I regained my faith and powered through the cemented walls you caved me in. All those times when things ‘could have’ gone terribly wrong, they were never as bad as you made me believe. Truth is, you feed off my energy and exist because I do and that is precisely why you exist within me and never beside me.